By MONISHA ISWARAN,
arts editor
Episode 1: Badgy becomes Bachie and begins hunt for a mate
If a piece of you has been missing every Wednesday and Thursday night, never fear!
The mind-numbingly perfect hour of cat fights, roses and true love (yes, it is real and there’s no two ways about it!) is back, so get ready to watch ex-rugby star Nick Cummins (Honey Badger) find his girl.
We open on the mansion. Perfect. We are home.
Osher kicks us off by drawing comparisons between a cocktail party and a rugby match, and he has full faith Badgy will handle it like a pro. (He won’t.)
But don’t worry plenty more metaphors of a similarly deep nature are in store, with one contestant likening Nick, with his curly mop, to cauliflower, leaving the mouths of the aspiring models in the mansion watering.
The casting department has outdone themselves – they’ve thrown in an energy healer (now they can stop paying the onsite psychologist), a true exotic spirit (she’s lived in Bali! Ooooh!) a Russian who does handstands, and even one of Badgy’s exes. (The devil works hard but these producers work harder.)
Their true victory was finding two girls who’ve dated the same guy, which turns into a massive drama because it’s just awkward to share a man ... oh wait.
Another proud casting moment was finding Vanessa Sunshine, and convincing her to say her name about three times per sentence. (If she isn’t the next Bachelorette I’m going to bloody riot).
Badgy entered the mansion to much less applause than Osher (we know why these girls are really here), and shares a nugget of wisdom: “The sun will rise tomorrow and either you’ll be wiser or you’re dead.” This was too intellectual for most of the girls but let’s check in when Vanessa Sunshine gets up tomorrow.
Highlights of the night include identifying stage 5 clinger of the season: Cass. She used to date Badgy after meeting him at the gym and it didn’t work out. Now that they’re on a TV show how could things not run smoothly?
She’s probably not thrilled that rugby enthusiast Brooke (who “doesn’t recognise” Badgy the rugby star) clinched the elusive bachelor pad key.
Now she can pop by Badgy’s room anytime and they can discuss their connection, play Wii sports with Osher etc. (But don’t get it twisted, remember that sex doesn’t exist in the Bachelor world.)
The episode ends on a cliff hanger: Which of the girls is one step closer to a teeth whitening sponsorship deal on Instagram?
If you are just catching up my suggestion is tune in with a glass of wine and take a sip every time you hear the word “Yarn”, “Sheila” or “Bird” (You won’t make it)
Episode 2: Catty Cat is NOT concerned
It’s the second installment of Badgy’s journey to love, and after a good night’s sleep the girls are … still bloody obsessed.
Osher, the overpaid postal service, arrives and delivers the first date card (AHHHHHHHH!!)
This hectic work exhausted him, so he retires to his room while a girl who I have never seen before announces the date winner. It’s Shannon!
Catty Cat (did you know she is from Bali!?) is working hard to truly establish that she is THE villain of the series, and she is NOT concerned that she wasn’t picked first. He’s clearly just playing hard to get.
Quick recap of Shannon: She healed from her breakup through painting and wine, and loves to skateboard. Diverse interests and a sob story – even without the emotional cues from the music we know Badgy is going to like this one.
Shannon shows up at the date, and CANNOT believe that Badgy has arranged a helicopter ride. (She’s clearly never watched this series before.)
She almost chickens out but the producers remind her of the detox tea promotion deals coming her way and she almost jumps out of the chopper before the cameras start rolling.
Meanwhile the other girls see the helicopter overhead and figure out what’s going on.
(Nothing says considerate boyfriend more than flying your girl over the heads of your 21 other girls)
Cat doesn’t care though. Not one bit. She gathers her two evil minions to talk about how they all don’t care.
Shannon and Badgy are sharing vulnerabilities. She tells her breakup sob story and he details his struggle making instant coffee one time. Its deep stuff. He’s been afraid of caffeine ever since.
Now, its group date time! Osher didn’t deliver this one, he’s still exhausted from all that work earlier.
The girls accompany Badgy on a photoshoot, to weed out the un-photogenic ones early on.
Stage 5 clinger Cass has to pose as a groupie (never let the producers see you sad or you will be forced to be sadder).
Brooke nabbed an intimate shoot with Badgy. Cat isn’t concerned, though.
However, the true star of the show is Vanessa Sunshine posing with an axe, clearly not giving a shit about Badgy and just here for the hot new Tinder pic. (And honestly, we are here for her too. We are all die hard Sunshiners here at Mojo)
One of Cat’s evil minions gets chosen for a date where she harasses Badgy by trying to play tonsil hockey. (But instead of tonsils it’s Badgy's eardrum and we are all suffering.)
Even with his pro sporting skills he struggles to dodge her. Minion #1 can’t wait to tell Cat, who probably won’t be concerned. Badgy is filling out an incident report to give to Osher – he never saw Matty J have to go through this.
To wrap up, some girl whose name we never learned went home, and the rest are one step closer to a nightclub appearance tour. Cat doesn’t care though.