By MONISHA ISWARAN,
arts editor

E9: “OH MY GOD SHE HAS DATED WOMEN”

It’s a new week in the mansion. The snakes are gone. The house is calm. We are all two glasses of rose in, and it’s about time Badger Boy found some love.

Lets recap this Bach.

We jump right in: it’s single date time and Brooke reads out the card – at this point, no one is going to be surprised if she gets a 10th date.

SHOCKER – it’s not Brooke. It’s Brit, Brooke’s understudy.

SHOCKER #2 – Cass is disappointed. I am disappointed she hasn’t pulled a Tenille and run into the forest yet.

Anyway, Brit and Bach get on a boat so he can “show her the beauty of Australia” – you know, the country she’s lived in all her life.

You can tell the budget is dropping: in Georgia Love’s season, the animal-themed date was flying to the national zoo. This time? Two tickets to the local wildlife park.

Badgy gets excited by two lizards that appear to be humping. He points it out to Brit so she knows what she’s in for.

 He then brings a snake over to the poor girl and slips in about a million innuendos about her handling his serpent.

Careful producers! We might almost actually mention sex!

Afterwards they sit down to talk about babies, marriage and how OMG they both want to live in Byron Bay! (what a rare thing for someone to want!)

A bunch of wallabies look on – I’m so glad we are back to random animals watching the dates.

He comments on her beautiful hair and eyes and she says he has a beautiful heart.

She looks like she is about to say she is falling in love and he cuts her off with a kiss. It’s honestly a tactic that we all should write down for future use. 

GROUP DATE TIME. Steve the “human lie detector” is here to see who’s on the show for the “right reasons”. Not to promote their jewellery business, ahem, Cat.

I think we all know Steve is just an extra who found his big break.

A few questions for Steve: Why did he not ask Jamie Lee if her sprained ankle was fake? Why does he keep respecting personal boundaries? WE WANT THE GOSS!

Steve then puts on his second hat – couple’s counselor. He questions one girl about why she’s so “driven”, and by the look on Badgy’s face that might be a deal-breaker.

He also basically congratulates Cass on being a stage 5 clinger“open with her emotions”.

NOW THE BIG REVEAL. Brooke pulls Badgy aside to tell him some “big news”. Channel 10 has been building this up with ad after ad this week.

She reveals she has dated women in the past. That’s it. That’s the whole “bombshell” …. I know!

Honestly after that build up, I was expecting she was an ex-serial-killer (she didn’t say she wasn’t ... there’s still hope).

It’s all fine until Brooke seems to weirdly reassure us that DON’T WORRY SHE IS ONLY INTERESTED IN MAN SNAKES FROM NOW ON!

SHE WANTS CHILDREN FOR GOD’S SAKE.

Basically, we move the bisexual movement back about five years and a lot of girls around Australia are now more invested than ever in Brit being the one Badgy takes off the market.

Poetic Badgy reads something off the autocue about how we are all souls just trying to find our way and Brooke laps it up.

He then skips off to send home the intruder who didn’t sprain her ankle…. AKA who cares, we don’t know her.

The final 10 move forward, in the hopes of more couple’s counseling with Steve in the future (preferably watched by some Alpacas).

E10: The Samurai Showdown

This brings us to last night’s episode. (An all-around more boring affair)

The group date today is all about racetrack driving. I’m beginning to think these dates are less about finding love and more about Badgy’s bucket list.

Badgy kicks off by putting the moves on Osher, holding his hand. Cass realises that Oshie has gone further than her with half the work.

This episode is sponsored by Hyundai, which means the group date takes up a large chunk of it. It gives Osh a good opportunity to slip in a phrase about “steering towards finding love”. We all clap.

We also find out the winner gets a box of avo – which is a priority to the girls. They are the same as us – millennials who will struggle to be homeowners.

Dasha – the Russian who does handstands – goes first. Where has she been since her single date a few weeks ago? Clearly not somewhere that she could learn to drive a manual.

I actually feel for this girl – learning to drive under the gaze of a nation. “Nobody’s laughing” Badgy assures her … everyone is.

When it comes to Badgy picking who gets the coveted extra time with him, I assume every viewer was thinking the same – if he chooses Brooke or Brit again we are out of here.

He ends up picking Sophie – leaving us relieved that he has ended his personal vendetta amongst blondes and “driven” girls.

Meanwhile back at the mansion our favourite stage 5 clinger is having FOMO – about the only group date she hasn’t been on.

Tenille is stressing ever since Steve the human lie detector revealed her emotional vulnerability. For an overpaid extra he really managed to do some damage – the producers are considering keeping him next year.

The hint for the single date is “we have lots of catching up to do”. Cass’ eyes light up. I can read her thoughts better than Steve – OMG THIS MUST BE ME CUZ WE KNEW EACH OTHER FROM BEFORE AND HE’S FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING IT.

Nope – he has picked the girl who has been here the least amount of time. Just to really rub salt in Cass’ wounds.

Jamie Lee – also known as sprained ankle intruder – gets the single date, and arrives with her moonboot to score a few sympathy points.

Being the gentleman he is, and acknowledging her injury, he has planned a date that is …. All about physical activity.

It is a samurai style date …. We aren’t even asking questions anymore, Osh appears to be taking an “anything goes” approach.

Nick says the words “Kawaii” and a few other generic phrases while Jamie Lee gushes about how fluent he is in Japanese.

OMG he is SO cultured. I really hope this girl actually goes to Japan someday.

All we learn from this date is the number of *crickets* that can be played in a short period of time. Nothing could have made that date more awkward.

Moonboot is upset about the date and cries on Clingy’s shoulder. Cass comforted her by saying: “I haven’t been on a single date.” We know babe, we know.

Meanwhile Tenille and Badgy have a D&M about how she isn’t opening up fast enough – it’s been FIVE whole weeks and they’ve had ONE whole date, she should be loved up already.

She runs off crying and Badgy deduces that he had “something to do with it”.

We all (producers included) wait with bated breath, hoping she runs into the forest again.

ALAS she opts to leave with dignity instead … silly girl. Guess who won’t be on Bachelor in Paradise.

Badgy is upset: “Um, Osher, in the contract it said I got to choose who goes home.”

Osher delivers the news of Tenille’s departure as though it is a funeral. He may have a future in this area if this show doesn’t get renewed after Badgy’s season.

The others move one step closer to hearing Nick whisper sultry Japanese words in their ear.