By MONISHA ISWARAN,
arts editor
We launch right into this jam-packed episode with the girls gossiping about Vanessa Sunshine’s lack of sunny disposition.
Our favourite postal boy Oshie interrupts this by arriving with a date card. He’s got a new trick up his sleeve: RHYMING! “Who will get the chance for a romance,” he reads off the autocue. We all clap.
The date clue “our paths may have crossed before” is specifically designed to get the hopes of Clinger Cass sky high, because they met at the gym and, in her mind, are star-crossed lovers. But Brit gets picked because Badgy isn’t feeling blondes today.
Quick Brit recap: she and Badgy were born in the SAME hospital in the SAME town and are on the SAME reality TV show. How could this not be the romance of the century?
Before leaving, Brit informs the girls she NEVER kisses and tells. Kissing is a private matter okay, it’s not something others should talk about or watch ...
Badgy picks her up on a boat and instructs her to "board his vessel". The editors overlooked this sexually explicit language.
Badgy and Brit end up in the pool for a steamy pash. But DON’T talk about it okay, because she’s not about that.
(Side note: Brit is easily the dullest person alive, so honestly is bound to win)
Later, the girls are ALL invited on a group date because the date-card-name-writer couldn’t differentiate between them.
Also invited are a bunch of sass-filled alpacas. One might think they’d be involved in the activities, but they’ve just been brought in as spectators. PETA, where you at?
The only challenge of importance was Catty Cat and Sunshine smashing a bunch of hearts. The palpable tension between them led to the production intern having to plan this stress-reliever.
Sunshine wins some one-on-one with Badgy, but much like the alpacas, she looks as though she’d rather be anywhere else. She painstakingly takes the time to explain the concept of brunch to Badgy. Unfortunately, it’s “too Melbourne” for him and he is left confused.
Luckily, Brooke heads to his pad with breakfast – finally a meal he understands! Surprise, surprise, not only is she gorgeous and sweet, she even has a sob story AND works with underprivileged children ... honestly can we just crown her the next bachelorette winner already??
She and Badgy frolic about playing sports together (Look! They have sportiness in common!) and then kiss in a meadow (clearly no one told the writing team Twilight already used that one).
The producers worked pretty hard to make us think they would bang but alas as always, this normal and important part of the dating process is consigned to suggestive promos and Kyle and Jackie O interviews.
They return to the mansion where Oshy calculates that three girls have to leave. Badgy kicks off a couple of 7s whose names he (and we) haven’t learned yet.
The others move one step closer to being cast on Bachelor in Paradise next year.