By MONISHA ISWARAN
Everyone hold tight, we have just hit the second-last week of Badgy-land and it’s going to be a rough ride.
We open on a group date in a bowling alley that takes us back to the 1950s, which is fitting seeing as this show doesn’t appear to have moved past this era when it comes to its portrayal of women.
We haven’t been reminded of Dasha’s single mum status in a while so we pause to note that she used to go bowling with her son.
The girls have to get a strike to win time with Badgy, and guess what? In the biggest TV surprise in history, BROOKE gets a strike first.
They have a d&m and Badgy asks Brooke: “Do you have a vision for our future together?”
I’m willing to bet her vision doesn’t involve five other girls.
After a while, Osher pops up to chat to Badgy. He didn’t have to get a strike to get one-on-one time, so we know who the real favourite is.
Meanwhile, the same producer who pulled runaway Tenille out of the forest is comforting Dasha who misses her son – I really hope they give this girl a promotion at the end of the season for all her on-screen appearances. (Next Bachelorette anyone?)
The girls then write letters to their future selves
It’s very #moving but watching them all cry as they read their letters does not make for good TV, but luckily Brit didn’t get the emotional memo, and instead offers Badgy good sex for life in her letter. I mean, it’s no real surprise he chose her for the extra time.
Sophie and Badgy then go on the most boring date ever. They play ice hockey and then make out in a hot tub – it was hot, but let’s move on.
At the rose ceremony, Badgy is trying to pass off sending Dasha home as him being concerned for her being away from her son. RIGHT, what a noble man.
Ballerina Emily also gets sent home because Badgy really doesn’t want to have to wear tights again. Ever.
NEXT NIGHT – HOMETOWNS
We kick off Cass’s hometown with her horses, as she wants to make sure they get the chance to see her with Bach – no one can miss out!
At dinner, we learn that Cass’s entire family are clingy. It’s not just her, it’s a way of life: “OMG, Nick actually looks better in real life – did you know Cass had a picture of you on her vision board?”
They don’t seem to understand that Badgy isn’t allowed to say who he’s picking yet, because it would ruin the show for all of us – we get that you care about your daughter, but this is about entertaining Australia, okay?
Badgy adopts his “how can I be as vague as possible and still make them like me?” persona.
At Brooke’s home town we are reminded, yet again, that they have so much in common because they are both SPORTY! These two seem to exclusively kiss when they are lying on the grass after playing footy.
During this time-honoured tradition of visiting your multiple girlfriends’ homes for interrogation, he comes face to face with Brooke’s brother who has a black eye and pretty much says nothing to him.
But the true drama happens at Brit’s date – which they drive to in a Honda. Side note: Did you know Hondas are GREAT cars?
Brit’s dad asks him to “come have a yarn” – which is Badgy’s favourite saying so I now agree with the Sportsbet community that he should marry into this family.
The drama happens when Brooke finds out that OH NO, Badgy and Cass had kissed before the show started. This is not news to any of us.
Brit can’t believe it – you mean they kissed on those multiple dates that they’ve told everyone they went on?
The producers then stage a moment-of-truth battles cene in the garden before the rose ceremony.
They have an unnecessarily dramatic conversation whereby Brit basically wants to know if Badgy and Cass have smooshed uglies (saying that out right would be too crass apparently).
Cass, quite rightly, pushes back against this very public interrogation and wins the hearts of Australia. WE ARE READY FOR HER TO WIN!
Oh wait ... at the rose ceremony Badgy bids farewell to ClingerSweet Angel Cass. It’s sad to see her go, not least because none of the remaining girls provide any drama to fill our mid-week evenings with.
Tune in next week for the final showdown.