Hopelessly devoted? Let go of our 'icons' this Australia Day

There comes a time when something cherished just has to be let go, like kids and Santa or Donald Trump and his hair. Australians, in particular, seem to have an obsessive passion for hanging on to things that long lost their appeal. Like barnacles to a hull, we simply hang on. As we celebrate this Australia Day on Saturday January 26 (and again on Monday, of course), mojo offers its (considered) opinion, and urges you to herd some sacred cows out of the front paddock for the final time and, well, take care of them.

CELEBRITIES

The internationally-famed Australian celebrity is a rare beast indeed, but for every Hugh Jackman or Nicole Kidman there’s at least one sad old veteran whose time in the sun has long since passed. Sadly, Australians – and in particular our media – seem to continue their veneration long past their use-by date. We need to say a final hooroo to:

• Paul Hogan. Crocodile Dundee II was a relatively big hit in 1986. Since then, the man who made a career of being the quintessential Aussie larrikin has had pretty much bugger-all success. His last appearance was as the motorcycle-riding, leather-clad mercenary in our failed 2022 World Cup bid video (see below). Let’s finally take him, and his bloody shrimp, off the barbie for good.
• Olivia Newton-John: If Hoges hasn’t had a hit for a while, then consider ONJ. Her last hit was 1981’s Let’s Get Physical a spandex-clad, feather-cut, piece of po(o)p  that took the world by storm 32 YEARS AGO! A whole generation has been born, educated and given birth since that time. We need to cease with our hopeless devotion to her.

LEGENDS

• Ned Kelly has finally been laid to rest and it’s time Australia’s obsession with the bushranger was too. He was a crook who shot three cops. What is the continued fascination with him? Is it the dodgy homemade iron suit? Really? Let it go.
• Phar Lap. Come on! This racehorse was a big deal 80 years ago and since then Makybe Diva’s gone on to win three successive Melbourne Cups in 2003, 2004 and 2005. Big Red is dead. Let it go.

EMBARRASSING SAYINGS

• Why do we continue echoing the words of the late IOC head Juan Antonio Samaranch in describing the 2000 Sydney Olympics as “the best Olympic games ever”. There’s been three summer Olympics since (each spectacular) and warming our collective hands around the puttering flame of Sydney’s memory is just plain embarrassing. Let it go.
• The chanting of “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi, Oi, Oi” at sporting events. Spawned from “the best Olympic Games ever”, this bogan war cry is equal parts shameful and repellant. Happiness is having to never hear it again. Let it go.

JUST PLAIN BULLSHIT

• Portraying ourselves as bushies in Akubras or bronzed surfers casts Australia as an ad man's idyll. But look beyond the tourist campaigns and the Australian Bureau of Statistics finds that 75 per cent of us live in urban centres and Surfing Australia says that 90 per cent of us don’t surf. So why do we insist on peddling this myth overseas? Let it go.
• Trotting out Jean Shrimpton’s white iconic mini-dress has got to be the most over-used cliché by racing fashion media. The British model shocked Australians when she wore the dress to the Melbourne Cup in 1965 ALMOST 50 YEARS AGO! Any race day report that resorts to this tired comparison should shrivel up in shame. Let it go.

We could go on. But space (and, okay, sentimentality) prevent us from calling time on budgie smugglers, especially those and any swimwear emblazoned with the Australian flag; Men at Work's Down Under song; cultural cringe syndrome; lamingtons, and stale cake recipes generally; and dare we say it Kath. And Kim. Their day will come.

For now, Australia, let's celebrate as a nation the many things we have to be proud about, but learn as a culture when it's time to gracefully say thank you, open the door, wave goodbye, and close it. For good.

And if one six-minute video could remind us of just how much we really need to let go, we give you Australia's 2020 World Cup bid to watch here. For shame.