Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: a partner's story

The Australian Defence Force recently made an unprecedented public call for affected servicemen and women to come forward and seek help, following Major General John Cantwell's revelation that he had suffered from PTSD for two decades. As preparations continue for Australian troops to be pulled out of Afghanistan within the next 12 months, fears are growing about the numbers that may return suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Here mojo talks to a couple living with PTSD. 

By SAVANNAH THATCHER

In the middle of the night Lilly* would roll over in bed, reach for her husband and find that he was gone. It happened so often that she did not need to remind herself – James* was 10,000 kilometers away, patrolling the streets of Afghanistan. The vision carried itself through sleep as well as consciousness. The thought was the backdrop of her mind.

Except tonight something is different. James is back now. He has been home for a week. And yet still he is not lying next to her. The space beside her remains cruelly empty, cold.

James is next to the bedroom door, as flat and as solid as the floor he rests on. His muscular arms lie along his sides. Occasionally something escapes his lips – a soft cry, an indecipherable phrase. Tonight, this is where she finds him sleeping.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) affects the lives of around five per cent of Australians. For those working in the military, the development of PTSD will often be linked to experiences in combat and war zones.

It is a psychological reaction to trauma, and people who suffer from the condition often face distinct symptoms including recurring and intrusive flashbacks, becoming emotionally numb and detached from others, and being overly alert or tuned in to potential danger.

Andrea Phelps, a clinical psychologist at the Australian Center for Posttraumatic Mental Health, says that of the soldiers who are counselled there, somewhere between 10 and 20 per cent will develop PTSD.

For James, the symptoms began when he returned from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Lilly and James had always been polar opposites. He was straight and narrow; she preferred to float through life as if carried by the wind. He was an impenetrable blue-eyed soldier, determined and focused and ready. She was a carefree blonde, untamable and hooked on the unpredictability of life. It was a textbook war romance; they started dating in 2010 and fell in love. Then James had to go. He left for his first tour of duty in Afghanistan and was away for nine months.

“When he came back he was a different person. He was…a mess,” recalls Lilly.

He was thin, he was tired. He was anything but how she remembered him.

He would sleep on the hard, inhospitable floor. Perhaps it was more comforting, more routine. During the day he would lie on the couch a lot, unmoving and uninterested. The idea of life in general seemed unappealing. It frustrated Lilly, whose days had remained untouched by change. All of a sudden she was unfamiliar to him, unknown territory that had to be explored once more.

James may as well have been thousands of miles away again. Some days were better than others. But she knew there was something wrong.

“In Afghanistan he had a completely different psyche. He fed off adrenaline. His life was always on the line…he came back and didn’t know how to adjust.”

James had always wanted to be a solider. He joined the Australian army in 1994 and immediately began training. Having served overseas numerous times before, his first trip to Afghanistan wasn’t going to be anything special.

“You get used to it…you sort of know what to expect,” he says.

While Lilly’s story of James’ return is laced with sadness, James himself is not so willing to reveal any signs of his past grief.

He does recount his mental fatigue, saying that “it took a while to sort of get back into the groove of life”. But whether he had to deal with any mental or emotional stress, he will not say.

Phelps says that while it is demanding, being able to confront traumatic memories is a crucial part of treating psychological agony.

“What we find is people often get distressed by talking about their experiences so they often won’t want to do that.

“When someone is psychologically overwhelmed by an experience…the memory is stored in a raw and unprocessed way. So people just try to put a lid on it and shove it to the back of their mind and not think about it.”

Although James had left the war behind, Lilly could see how his internal battle started to drown him from the inside. Then it started to seep into the cracks of their relationship. As he tried to quietly cope with the memories of his time abroad, Lilly felt ignored and helpless. Their situation is not uncommon says Phelps.

“Because of the nature of PTSD, it does have a real impact upon families.

“One of the things that can often happen is that people [with PTSD] become more distant emotionally…but it doesn’t mean they don’t love [their family] anymore.”

The conflict in Afghanistan has become a complex web of political strife and power and loss. For more than ten years, Australian forces have firmly stood beside the United States in the mission.

Since 2002, 220 of our military personnel have been seriously wounded in action. 32 have died. Yet there is little public knowledge about the psychological affects that war has on our soldiers.

The Australian Defence Force (ADF) has implemented programs to address and manage any psychological trauma endured by its serving personnel. However, an ADF survey last year revealed a disturbing rate of suicidal behavior among its recruits. The majority of those surveyed had also suffered from anxiety, mood or alcohol disorders at some point in their lives.

Dr. Fay Anderson, an expert on conflict reporting and co-author of ‘Witnesses to War’, says that the ADF maintain a “cultural secrecy”, preventing greater public knowledge and understanding of the mental hardships our troops endure.

“The Australian media has always been heavily censored by the military. The ADF don’t want any critical press… The information we get about the soldiers is sanitized, it’s regulated and it’s controlled. We have no idea about what they have to deal with when they get home.

“And when they get back they are forgotten.”

Phelps states that successful treatment of PTSD is “not guaranteed for everyone”. While therapy, some medication and family support can help deter symptoms and “cure” the disorder, one third of patients “might not get much benefit from treatment”.

James was not broken beyond repair. He just needed time, support and Lilly. She was somehow able to mend him. Slowly, so slowly, she drew him back to reality. Lilly was able to fill James with himself again.

“It took about six months but he eventually came back. And then he proposed.”

Lilly says that while she and James have been blessed with his recovery, other families are not so fortunate.

“You hear stories…there are a lot of marriage breakdowns. Wives don’t know what to do or how to support their partners. It breaks them.”

James and Lilly were married in September. But not before James served overseas again, in Mongolia.

Lilly knew on her wedding day that this was not only the day she wed the man of her dreams but indirectly married the military.

“The army comes first – always. It’s a life commitment to them as much as James now…in sickness and in health.”

James still supports the war in Afghanistan. He would “definitely go back”. In fact, he believes more soldiers are needed. But Lilly, as always, holds a differing view.

“I know it’s from a civilian point of view… but it’s not our country. We’ve got our own problems in our own backyard.”

But PTSD is not one of them – at least not one they cannot cope with. While Lilly occasionally wakes to find James on the floor, most nights they sleep together, undisturbed.