By Atara Thenabadu
In case the non-stop television ads, sky-high billboards, or trams plastered with advertising somehow escaped your attention: The Bachelor has returned to our screens.
If you happened to miss the first two episodes because you were actually doing your uni readings or enjoying a social life, this is what you have missed on The Bachelor.
After the train-wreck that was the Honey Badger, Channel 10 has retuned to its original formula of picking an ordinary guy (phew!).
This year’s bachelor is 31 year-old astrophysicist Matthew Agnew, who is hoping all the stars will align to see him find a match made in heaven.
Despite the rest of us only being two eps in, he has made the bold statement that he has already picked someone which, to be honest, is a relief after the knife-to-the-heart that was last season.
Footnote: we were dragged through months of speculation over who the Honey Badger (aka former Rugby Union star Nick Cummins) would choose to take home to his burrow, only for him to decide he wasn't emotionally ready for love. A ghosting of sorts, except broadcast to a national audience. So, more embarrassing, really.
Episode One began as expected with a touching intro by Osher Gunsberg on the trials and tribulations of finding love. How this man has not won a Gold Logie, we will never know.
Then it was time for the ballgown-clad ladies to step pointed-stiletto out of shiny limousines.
Helena, a health coach from Perth, emerged first. (The girl who arrives first has proven to be anointed with stickability throughout previous Bachelor series.)
Laura, the winner of Matty J’s season, was first out of the car and Niki, the runner-up in Richie’s season, was also first. It's just science.
Next, came the gift-givers.
Chemical engineer Chelsea put her mark on Matt (literally) by way of a temporary tattoo depicting the chemical structure of love hormone Oxytocin.
Then we had blonde-bombshell Kristen, quickly dubbed "China Girl", for her willingness to break into Mandarin at any given opportunity. The Bach's producers couldn't think of anything better than for her to gift Matt a fortune cookie. How cultural.
Then arrived those who will provide plenty of content for memes, before likely being booted off the show.
There was the latest Stage 5 Clinger, Emma, who has already planned her and Matt's wedding and named their first five kids.
Then we had Bucko, the eccentric model who thinks she is out of this world, and "Gemini Girl" (aka Abbie) who has assumed the role of unofficial narrator.
And finally, self-confident Nicole put her individuality on display by shunning the limo and instead arriving on a motorbike. Yes, she's already referring to herself in third-person. **Collective eye-roll**
Traditionally, the final person to stroll the magic carpet-of-love is either a woman who is lovely and a picture of perfection, or someone who is set to be a train-wreck.
This year it was the latter. **Applause**
Rachael, who has already labeled herself this year's villain in her Instagram bio, arrived in a wedding dress. Of course she did.
Let’s just say she’s only here for the inevitable Instagram followers, the hate-watchers and to secure an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise before she fades into reality show obscurity.
Then, as predictably as a tense rose ceremony, Osher announced his surprise. This year it was a golden ticket securing the winner a date with Matt in his home-town of Melbourne.
The winner was sweet country girl Elly, who is a nurse from Newcastle.
The episode ended with the rose ceremony, but honestly, who can remember the women who left as they were only afforded five of their prescribed 15 minutes of fame.
During ep two it was announced eight new women would be entering the Bachelor mansion to vie with its current residents for a single date.
Iranian ... I mean ... Persian woman Sogand scored the first date, and while not meaning to "yadda yadda" over it, she also scored. Well, a kiss, at least.
After a group date, which must have been as civil as a Country Women's Association AGM because it warranted about two-minutes of air time, the intruders arrived.
Honestly, the casting directors must have got bored because they picked another Iranian ... I mean ... Persian woman named Danush and a woman named Monique, who is the spitting image of Nicole.
This did not go down well.
The show ended with the inevitable rose ceremony which resulted in five women jamming their ball gowns into suitcases and high-tailing it out of the Bach pad.